What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:21
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He knew the spot.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Apple is on defense at WWDC 2025 - The Verge
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
FDA rushed out agency-wide AI tool—it’s not going well - Ars Technica
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why cant I ever fall asleep with my boyfriend?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Have you ever gone to a porn theater with your wife?
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
How do I build rapport with anybody?
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What was the worst decision you ever did?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I said to her
What baseball stories from the early days of the sport seem too bizarre to be true?
She wouldn,t have been !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When she asked me how she looked .
Put me off passion for life!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
How far does good behavior take you in a prison?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was seconnd youngest,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Would this be the day?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I don,t even have a pension.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My life is so biszare .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She loved him until the end.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She married twice! .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So whats the point in blame.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was in good health!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But, we were locked up after school.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it wasn’t much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was very sick at this time too.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So, i spoilt her more .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!